i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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