i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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