i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
