i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
