I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
