Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
