If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
