He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
