Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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