At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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