I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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