i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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