I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
