This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
