My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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