dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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