i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
