I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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