There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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