We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
