Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
