He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
