A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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