I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
