Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea