Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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