Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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