Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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