You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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