Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
