I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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