Please, let me fuck your mom
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
