Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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