I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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