sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Randomize
