I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
smell my finger.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
