About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
