So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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