im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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