Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
