TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
