I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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