1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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