I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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