R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
