she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
