One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
