If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
