I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
