he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is this like a preordered booty call?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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