Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
