Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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