maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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