i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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