I just threw up on my dentist
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
