Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
someone owes me an orgasm
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
