Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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