I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
